I wish I could watch her grow. I wish I knew what kind of cake she would want me to bake. I wish I could see her blow out the candles. I wish Mae and Penny could have their sister. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I wonder often what she would be like. How tall would she be? Would she be riding a bike without training wheels? Would she still love the beach? Would she like school and be excited for grade 2? Would she have the same favourite foods? Would she still like us to put her to bed? What kind of books, music and movies would she like? Would she still love to dance? Would she help feed and change Penny? What would her and Mae talk about for hours at bedtime?
This grief is harder and heavier than I ever could have imagined. There is a constant and dull ache, but some times it hurts so much I can barely stand it. Like a relentless storm, it wakes me up in the middle of the night or stops me in the middle of the day. It leaves me breathless, broken, and longing for just one more moment with Phoebe. Just one conversation - I have so much to tell her. One cuddle. One moment just to hear her laugh. Once moment to hear her voice. One chance to tell her how much we love her and miss her. One chance to tell her that we would have done anything to save her and we tried as hard as we could.
In the absence of these moments, I plant flowers, search for signs, release balloons, light candles, and celebrate the birth of my sweet Phoebe Rose. She came into this world fierce, strong, and determined and that day is one of the happiest and best days of my life. I can still remember every single moment and in many ways it feels like it was yesterday. I am so grateful that I got to be Phoebe's mom, even if we only had 5 years. I soaked up the beauty and the feistiness of Phoebe and I took none of it for granted. I wish with everything I have that we could have watched her grow up and it still feels impossible that we can't.
And so, on this second birthday without our precious Phoebe we will hold Mae and Phoebe's baby sister Penny close and do what we can to honour Phoebe's life. What Phoebe went through is not okay, it never will be, but we are working hard to make things better for other kids and families who are affected by childhood cancer. I think Phoebe would be proud.
Spread some love and kindness in honour of our sweet Phoebe tomorrow and share your random acts of kindness with us on social media. We would love to know that people smiled and were happy on Phoebe's birthday.
Let's start a movement of kindness, love and HOPE in memory of Phoebe.
And, if you would like to join us to golf on August 12th - it's not too late to sign up and we still have room for golfers. It's going to be an amazing day and all funds raised will fund childhood cancer research and help us fulfill our promise to Phoebe - to make it okay. For more information please visit www.phoeberoserocks.com
"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces I would still plant my apple tree". Martin Luther.
We love you so much, Phoebe.